guided conversation about : sex
Here is an exercise I'd like to propose : a guided discussion about your sex life. Try to make it a "date", nothing fancy or overly prepared (but if you can manage to do it on a real date, like going to a new restaurant where you can talk during supper -if the restaurant is not super quiet and other people around won't hear you-, do it!!). It can also be on your couch after a pleasant meal, the important thing is that you make time for it and that it's quality time (not rushed).
No criticism, you could even not respond at all to your partner's answers : the most important thing is to open the conversation and work on your receptivity (receptive attitude).
The instruction :
Preparation
If sex is hard for you to talk about, be prepared to say so and explore why it’s hard. There is no right or wrong way to talk about sex. It starts with being brave enough to say whatever’s on your mind.
Location
For this date you will have a candlelit dinner somewhere. It could be in your favorite romantic restaurant or a public place where you can be very private - such as a cove in a beach or a hidden corner of a public garden. The theme is intimacy, sex and romance. Is there a place that’s especially romantic and intimate for you and your partner? You could also do something physical to get into your body before the date, such as a dance class, a yoga class, or a session of stretching together.
Bring
You should bring an open mind and a willingness to be vulnerable with your partner. Adopt a ‘’YES, AND…’’ attitude instead of a ‘’YES, BUT…’’ attitude toward your partner’s ideas. Yes, and… means that you accept everything your partner says as true for them, and the spirit of improvisation (which is where Yes, and… comes from) you add to the conversation and understanding between you. Yes, but… negates whatever it is they’re sharing. If talking about sex doesn’t come easily for you, you may wish to write down your thoughts about this theme ahead of time and read them to your partner.
Disclaimer
Sex should not be expected at the end of this conversation.
Open-ended questions for your date conversation
You’ll each take turns asking and answering these questions :
-Think about all the times we’ve had sex. What are some of your favorites? What about that time made it your favorite?
-What turns you on?
-How can I enhance our passion?
-What’s your favorite way for me to let you know I want to have sex?
-Where and how do you like to be touched?
-What’s your favorite time to make love and why? What’s your favorite position?
-Is there something sexually you’ve always wanted to try, but have never asked?
-How often would you like to have sex?
-What can I do to make our sex life better?
Troubleshooting
Be as specific as you can about what you like sexually - try not to be vague. Say what you like, not what you don’t like.
Don’t compare your sexual experiences with your partner to any other partner.
If you don’t know what your partner is referring to when your partner describes sex, or a sexual act, ask.
Use any words that are comfortable for you to openly talk about anatomy and sexual activity.
Be open-minded to whatever turns your partner on, and do not judge them for any fantasies they may have.
Source : this exercice comes from the book “Eight Dates: Essential Conversations for a Lifetime of Love”
If you're here after listening to the Culture Reset podcast, the other book I mentioned is “The Love Prescription: Seven Days to More Intimacy, Connection, and Joy”.
Have a fun date with your favorite person :) -Kanica