Sex, Ego & the Art of Waiting
Meeting a new client for the first time is a bit like a blind date—I never know who’s going to walk through my door.
This time, it was Jonathan. A tall man, built like a fridge—broad shoulders, big smile, piercing blue eyes. From where I sat, he looked about two meters tall. By society’s standards, he was objectively attractive.
And Jonathan knew that. Intellectually, at least.
People had told him before: “You’re handsome, successful, surrounded by friends, making good money, athletic—you’re the whole package.”
But emotionally? He didn’t feel it.
His inner world didn’t match the reflection others saw.
Jonathan came to me for help with his dating life. And a few weeks ago, we had an interesting conversation.
“Hey Kanica, remember Anna, the new girl I’m seeing?”
“Yes! What about her? You had a date last weekend?”
“Yeah, and something new happened. We hung out, and we spent the night together.”
“Houlala, did you have sex? Penetration or just physical intimacy?”
“Physical intimacy, but no penetration.”
“She didn’t want to?”
“No, actually... I didn’t want to.”
“Interesting, Jo. Explain.”
For the first time, he wanted to wait before having sex with someone new.
“It just feels different,” he admitted. “I think it’s because of the work I’ve been doing with you. Now, I enjoy the buildup. I’m playing the long game. My motivation just feels… different. The 22-year-old me would have needed to sleep with her—partly to make sure she was into me, partly to boost my numbers.”
I nodded.
“It’s pretty normal in our early twenties to use sex as a validation tool. Women do it too, and in my opinion, it’s not necessarily harmful. At that stage, having sex with ‘random-ish’ people serves a purpose—it’s almost an identity-forging experience. It proves to us that we have sexual power, that we’re worth something—at least in a certain market. The problem is when people never grow past that phase. When they still need that validation in their thirties, forties, and beyond. When sex becomes a never-ending way to prove something to themselves.”
Jonathan paused, then corrected himself.
“Actually, let me rephrase. Jonathan, at the beginning of our work together, couldn’t have waited for sex. It would have triggered all my insecurities. But now, my end goal is love, not sex. And one thing I really like about Anna is that we’re doing a lot of other things together. In the past, when sex happened too early, it became the “default activity” whenever we saw each other.”
That struck me.
“What do you think waiting for sex tells us about a person?” I asked. “Instinctively, I feel like it filters out insecure, impatient people—those who aren’t serious.”
“I think it shows how grounded someone is in themselves,” he said. “It reflects their internal solidity.”
I thought for a moment.
“In a way, you have to be full of yourself—in the best way.”
Jonathan laughed. “Yeah, because sex won’t fill a void in your ego. Your ego has to be full already—through other experiences.”
“And when you really think about it, why are people in a rush to have sex, but not in a rush to share a bank account?”
He smirked. “I used to think I had to have sex early to figure out if we were compatible.”
“When in reality, ‘sexual compatibility’ is bullshit.”
He raised an eyebrow.
“You don’t meet a complete stranger and magically have great sex without ever talking about it. And when it does happen, it’s pure luck. People cling to the idea of ‘compatibility’ because they’re not used to having uncomfortable conversations. There’s a great quote from The School of Life: ‘Compatibility is not the precondition of love; it is the achievement of love.’ The same applies to sex. True sexual compatibility isn’t discovered—it’s created, through intentional, sometimes awkward, but necessary conversations.”
Jonathan nodded, letting that sink in.
“I like that waiting forces me to get to know Anna in other ways,” he finally said. “Sex isn’t an itch I have to scratch anymore. I realized that sex is the icing on the cake—not the cake itself.”
Before this conversation, I’ve never given much thought to this idea of waiting for sex, especially in a nonreligious context.
But in sum, I’d say that when someone is able to wait before having sex, it can say a lot about their personality, values, and emotional maturity.
Here are some possible further insights:
1. Emotional Maturity & Self-Control
They can regulate their impulses and don’t let immediate desires dictate their actions.
They prioritize long-term emotional or relational goals over short-term gratification.
2. Confidence & Self-Worth
They don’t need sex as a means of validation or proof of desirability.
They feel secure enough in themselves and the connection to let things unfold at their own pace.
3. Intentionality in Relationships
They might value emotional connection before physical intimacy.
They could be looking for a partner who aligns with their deeper values and relationship goals.
4. Strong Personal Values
Waiting may be a reflection of their cultural, spiritual, or personal beliefs.
They may see sex as something meaningful and not just a casual experience.
5. Understanding of Their Own Needs
They recognize what they need to feel safe and comfortable in intimacy.
They might have had past experiences where rushing into sex didn’t serve them well, so they’re taking a different approach.
6. A Shift in Priorities
Sex is no longer the primary factor in deciding if a relationship is worth pursuing.
They may focus more on emotional compatibility, shared goals, and communication.
Of course, waiting for sex doesn’t automatically mean someone is more emotionally mature or has better self-worth—it depends on why they’re waiting. Some people delay intimacy out of fear, past trauma, or uncertainty rather than confidence and intentionality. But in many cases, the ability to wait can reflect a deeper level of self-awareness and relationship wisdom.
I didn’t tell Jo, but that day, I felt like a coach who saw his athlete graduate from Formula 2 to Formula 1. I was proud and happy for the new version, the wiser version of Jonathan that was unfolding in front of my eyes.
I’ll tell him the next time I’ll see him :)
“Sex is the icing on the cake—not the cake itself.”