sex, ambition & slow(er) life
When I did my executive training at Harvard, I became friends with four other guys—we were the only five in the entire class who ended up at the Tiki Bar near campus. (How could you not bond over cocktails served in giant tiki mugs?)
We still keep in touch every week on WhatsApp, and they continue to be the friends who push me to aim higher 🚀.
Hey guys!
I’ve been meaning to send you this update ever since our Kickoff Meeting in early January.
Remember when I told you my theme for this year was Slow(er) Life? Well, I’m happy to report that it’s already in effect—and without much effort.
Leaving people left on read
I’ve taken a step back from all my online communications (my three email inboxes, Facebook, Instagram, LinkedIn, WhatsApp, SMS). I’m training myself to leave more people unread—even if I feel guilty about not responding right away. I just have too many friends reaching out to me, lol.
I’m learning to radically accept that if they’re real friends, they won’t hold a grudge, and I need to acknowledge that my brain’s capacity is limited.
In the past, I felt an obligation to participate in this culture of instant reactivity.
A close friend pointed out that it’s unrealistic for me to have coffee with everyone who asks, and she reminded me that I don’t owe anyone—especially someone I saw once in uni—my time.
The hard part? These are all people who genuinely like me, so I feel bad about declining. But I don’t have a choice. My brain is my biggest asset, and working with my clients requires a ton (A TON) of cognitive energy. I have to be extra protective of it—it’s about neuro-maintenance.
My relationship to ambition / la décroissance
One maxim I remember from my time in the army is: “A good soldier learns from his mistakes, but a better soldier learns from others’ mistakes.”
When I look at my clients—successful, ambitious, type-A people—I sometimes see counter-examples, almost anti-examples, of what I want to become.
More projects... for what?
More money... for what?
More fame and recognition... for what?
I’m not necessarily saying I want less of these things, but I do want to be more intentional instead of automatically saying yes to new opportunities.
Just because I can doesn’t mean I want to.
Just because I could do it doesn’t mean I should.
Should I automatically aspire to a bigger house, a bigger bank account, bigger projects?
A concept that’s been gaining traction here in Québec is décroissance, which I’d translate as “un-growth” or “de-growing.”
My ambition feels different now—like it’s no longer tied to inflating my ego.
At this stage of my life, chasing more feels almost greedy. I’m already part of the 1% in Montréal. Instead of constantly striving for the next level, maybe I should pause and appreciate how far I’ve come. And maybe this level is enough for me anyway.
I don’t feel the need to run and look ahead—I can look down and enjoy the grass and flowers.
"Don’t let your quest for more distract you from the beauty of enough."
when sex & ambition feed the ego
It’s fairly common for people, especially in early adulthood, to use sex as a way to prove their worth and desirability. Sex becomes a tool for self-validation—fueling the ego, feeding the self. It’s about the chase, the trophy, the glory.
At that stage of development, sex-for-validation serves a purpose.
Later in life, as one matures, sex begins to serve a different function. I was discussing this with a client this week who, for the first time, wasn’t in a hurry to have sex with his new date. He was comfortable with the idea of dating her for, say, three months without sleeping together.
He no longer equated sex with her real level of interest, his worth as a potential boyfriend, or his attractiveness. Sex wasn’t about comforting his insecurities, his ego, or his sense of self.
Now, sex for him carries a new meaning—it’s about vulnerability and genuine connection.
My ambition over the past five years was a sprint. It was about the glory, the public recognition, the accolades, the praise from sexologists and even strangers on the internet. It was about being seen—and seeing myself—as a go-getter, a boss babe, an accomplished self-made woman who came from nothing.
My ambition (and the success that followed) fed my ego. It validated me. It served a purpose.
But now, ambition has a new meaning for me. It’s no longer tied to my ego—I’ve satisfied that hunger. Now, my ambition is directly linked to the lifestyle I want: financial independence and time freedom, setting the stage for when I settle down and start a family.
Sex and ambition once fed my ego. Now, as I evolve, they hold entirely different meanings.
New metrics of success
In the past few years, I scaled from a solo practice to a group practice of eight sexologists, secured financing after pitching to investors, commercialized a product sold internationally, made a ton of money during daytime while writing my first book in the evening, and bought a downtown condo worth as much as a house in the suburbs with no external/family $ help.
Climbing the corporate/entrepreneurial ladder? ✅
Relentless productivity? ✅
Winning? ✅
Keeping up with the Joneses? ✅
I played that game, I won, and now I’ve stepped onto a new game board—with new rules and new goals. Rules that I have to decide for myself.
Now, I’m…
Living in alignment with my values
Taking care of myself
Giving myself true luxuries—deep sleep and unhurried mornings
Embracing my femininity
I’m definitely still transitioning, but damn, it feels good!
Guys, hope you’re enjoying your weekend in California, Washington, Liverpool and Madeira :)
Logging off -kanica
