How i assess a couple

In this article, you’ll learn how I assess the strength of a couple based on Dr. Gottman’s research. His framework is grounded in over forty years of research conducted on thousands of couples, providing a proven foundation for understanding relationship dynamics and stability.

John Gottman’s Sound Relationship Theory is based on his extensive research into what makes relationships work. It highlights key elements that foster healthy, long-lasting partnerships. Here’s a summary:

1. Building Love Maps: Understanding each other's inner worlds is crucial. This involves knowing your partner’s thoughts, feelings, hopes, and fears, and staying connected to their emotional needs.
   
   Note from Kanica : When I ask someone “Who’s your partner’s best friend at work? What’s their biggest problem this week?”, it gives me an indication of how well they know each other’s inner worlds. Sometimes, couples are so disconnected that even this first level is not reached. Said simply : do you genuinely care about your spouse?
   

2. Sharing Fondness and Admiration: Expressing appreciation, affection, and respect towards your partner strengthens the emotional connection and creates a positive atmosphere.
   
   Note from Kanica : Noticed how admiration is the second step of a great relationship? Why is your partner special? What makes them stand out from the billions of other people on this Earth? Sometimes, I can see in my clients that admiration has turned into contempt.
   

3. Turning Toward Each Other: Small moments of connection, like responding to your partner’s bids for attention, foster intimacy. Turning toward your partner instead of away during these moments promotes a deeper bond.
   
   Note from Kanica : is your reflex to turn away from your partner, or to turn toward?
   
   A ‘bid for attention’ refers to any attempt made by one partner to gain the attention, affection, or support of the other partner. It’s essentially a request for connection, whether it’s emotional, physical, or intellectual. How a partner responds to these bids is crucial in maintaining a strong emotional bond in the relationship. A positive response to a bid strengthens the connection, while ignoring or dismissing it can erode trust and intimacy.
   
   Examples of bids for attention:

   Physical Touch: A partner might lightly touch your arm while sitting together, signaling a need for affection or closeness.

   Verbal Requests: “Look at this!” or “Do you see that?” while pointing at something exciting or interesting, such as something in nature, a funny video, or a new outfit.

   Asking for Help: “Could you help me with this?” when one partner is struggling with something and wants assistance or a sense of teamwork.

   Emotional Check-ins: “How was your day?” or “Are you okay?” signaling a desire to connect emotionally and share feelings.

   Humor: Telling a joke or making a playful comment to see if the other will engage and laugh.

   Compliments or Praise: Saying, “You look amazing today!” or “I really appreciate how you helped me this morning.”
   

   The key is how the partner responds:

   • Turning toward: Engaging with the bid (e.g., laughing at the joke, offering help, or reciprocating the compliment).

   • Turning away: Ignoring or not acknowledging the bid.

   • Turning against: Responding dismissively or with sarcasm (e.g., "I don’t have time for that right now" or "Really? You’re asking me about that again?").

   Responding positively to bids for attention helps maintain emotional closeness and strengthens the foundation of the relationship.
   
   Does your partner 1-recognize your bid for attention and 2-respond positively?
   

4. The Positive Perspective: Maintaining a positive view of your partner, especially in difficult times, helps in resolving conflicts and avoiding negative attributions. It’s about assuming the best intentions rather than jumping to conclusions.
   
   Note from Kanica : Imagine you forgot to buy milk on the way home. As you enter the house, your partner says, “Geez! I knew you’d forget, you never pay attention to what I say.” They immediately assume negative intentions.
   
   Other scenario : You went out with your friends and your phone dies. Later, she sees pictures on social media. The next morning, she tells you, “I know you were flirting with other girls.”
   
   These are small examples, but when compounded, they can have a fatal impact on couples. There is no room for negotiation: in any relationship, you must assume that your partner loves you and wants the best for you at all times.
   

5. Managing Conflict: Conflicts are inevitable, but how they’re managed matters. Gottman emphasizes accepting influence from your partner, listening to understand, and focusing on resolution rather than blame. Avoiding contempt, criticism, defensiveness, and stonewalling (known as the Four Horsemen) is key.
   
   Note from Kanica : the ‘Four Horsemen’ (just a catchy name Gottman uses to call contempt, criticism, defensiveness, stonewalling) highly predict separation.
   
   

6. Making Life Dreams Come True: Partners should support each other’s life dreams and goals. This involves discussing long-term aspirations and finding ways to support each other in fulfilling them.
   
   Note from Kanica : This is about personal goals. It’s not essential for both partners to have identical life dreams, but they must support each other’s aspirations. For example, if your dream is to run an ultra-marathon or to build a business, your partner should be there to encourage and support you along the way.
   
   

7. Creating Shared Meaning: Building a sense of shared purpose, rituals, and values helps couples create a deeper connection and unity.
   
   Note from Kanica : Unlike the previous point, this is about the couple's shared goals. I’ve worked with many couples in my practice who lacked a common vision or direction. They were two individuals living parallel lives in the same house, but without a shared purpose to bring them together.

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Then, the two pillars of the Sound Relationship House are trust and commitment.

Trust is about believing that your partner has your best interests at heart and will act in ways that support the well-being of the relationship. Trust is built over time through consistent actions, reliability, and emotional attunement. It’s the confidence that your partner will respond to you with care, respect, and honesty, especially during challenging moments.

Key aspects of trust in a relationship:

• Emotional safety: Knowing that you can be vulnerable with your partner without fear of judgment or harm.

• Dependability: Relying on your partner to follow through on promises and commitments.

• Integrity: Believing that your partner will act with honesty and transparency.

Commitment, according to Gottman, is the decision to prioritize the relationship over time, regardless of challenges or external stressors. It’s not just about staying together physically but emotionally investing in the relationship, even when times get tough. A committed partner is willing to make sacrifices, resolve conflicts, and work towards shared goals to keep the relationship strong and growing.

Key aspects of commitment in a relationship:

• Prioritizing the relationship: Making decisions that reflect the importance of the partnership.

• Perseverance: Staying dedicated and working through tough times, rather than giving up at the first sign of trouble.

• Shared responsibility: Taking joint ownership of the relationship’s well-being and growth.

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In essence, Gottman’s Sound Relationship Theory emphasizes the importance of emotional intimacy, mutual respect, and effective conflict resolution for sustaining a strong relationship.

When you read this, where do you think your relationship stands?