The ‘relational checklist’
Here is a (long) list of questions to help you analyze your relationship. You’ll find a ‘positive’ section and a ‘negative’ section. However, just because you have only two negative aspects and ten positive ones doesn’t necessarily mean your relationship is healthy: it’s possible that the two negative aspects carry 40% more weight than the positive ones.
This is a long list. Take your time to reflect.
Positive Analysis
Do I feel loved by this person?
Can I trust this person?
Does this person make me feel important and special in their life?
Do I feel respected?
Do I feel appreciated? Does this person express gratitude toward me from time to time?
Do I feel free to say “I love you” to this person?
Do I feel free not to say “I love you” when I don’t feel it (or do I feel obligated when they say it)?
Can I rely on this person in times of trouble? Do I feel supported?
Do I actively respect, support, and value this person’s presence in my life?
Does this person make quality one-on-one time for me?
Do I want to spend quality one-on-one time with this person?
Does this person sometimes include or integrate me into their social life?
Do I sometimes include or integrate this person into my social life?
Am I my authentic self around this person?
Is communication open and smooth between us?
Do I feel excitement and motivation from this person to acknowledge and discuss our relationship?
Do I feel this person is open, enthusiastic, or willing to socially/publicly acknowledge and embrace our relationship? (I don’t feel like a secret or hidden lover.)
Does this person inspire me to be the best version of myself?
Do I have the mental, emotional, and physical energy to invest in my personal projects and other relationships when I’m not with this person?
Do we have shared goals, interests, hobbies, and activities?
Do I feel emotionally secure with this person? For example, am I comfortable being vulnerable, crying, expressing anger, fears, or insecurities with them?
Do I feel okay saying NO to this person?
Does this person intellectually stimulate me? For instance, do I enjoy discussing ideas and values with them, and do I feel a sense of camaraderie?
Does this person physically stimulate me? For example, do I feel good in their arms, enjoy kissing, cuddling, or dancing with them?
Does this person sexually stimulate me? For example, do I feel comfortable sharing fantasies, exploring mutual interests or kinks, or having intimate time together? Do I feel desired by this person? Are our libidos compatible? Do I feel good before, during, and after sexual interactions?
Do I feel sexually respected? For instance, there’s no pressure or sense of marital duty. I feel free to make decisions about my body and explore my sexuality with or without this person.
Does this person make me laugh? Do I have fun with them, and does time seem to fly when we’re together?
Do I feel genuinely happy for their personal happiness or professional success? (I don’t feel competitive or inferior.)
Am I happy for the joy they share with others? (I don’t feel unimportant or less special compared to their other relationships.)
Am I happy when this person takes time for themselves, alone or with their friends or family?
Do I feel I have control over defining, shaping, and evolving our relationship?
Is there room to grow, explore, and try new things together? Is there flexibility to deepen, de-escalate, or redefine the relationship over time?
Is there space in the relationship to express both my positive feelings and dissatisfactions?
Are my desires and concerns heard and considered in the relationship? Do I see evidence of this in their actions and behavior?
Negative Analysis
Do I neglect my personal projects to prioritize theirs?
Do I feel I have to hide, repress, or deny parts of myself around this person?
Do I feel taken for granted in our interactions?
Does this person make it a big deal whether I say “I love you” or not?
Do I miss them obsessively when we’re apart?
Does this person belittle or devalue my other relationships?
Do I feel like I have to guess or infer their needs, desires, limits, or fears?
Am I often blamed for not meeting unspoken needs or expectations?
Do I feel solely responsible for their emotional well-being in our interactions?
Do I feel obligated to act as their main source of emotional support, even when I’m exhausted or stressed?
Do I feel treated as a default partner or a “+1” in situations that don’t interest me?
Am I demeaning or dismissive of their ideas, values, or projects?
Do I feel drained, stressed, or anxious after spending time with this person?
Do I feel there’s a lack of teamwork in managing or resolving conflicts?
Do they guilt-trip me for not prioritizing them all the time?
Does this person cancel plans last minute without valid reasons?
Do I feel guilty about taking time for myself or pursuing things without them?
Have I stopped maintaining independent relationships, merging my social life completely with theirs?
Does this person encourage unhealthy behaviors in me?
Do we have recurring, explosive arguments?
Does it feel like my needs, limits, and desires are ignored?
Is there avoidance from either side when addressing difficulties or having honest communication?
Conclusion
Are there more positive than negative aspects in the relationship? Is it harmonious?
Do I respect myself and remain happy investing in this relationship?
Are there specific actions I need to take based on this relational assessment?