Anthony Bourdain’s Surprising Advice for Choosing a Partner
I came across this quote from Anthony Bourdain, and I haven’t stopped thinking about it since.
There’s something unexpectedly intimate—and wildly honest—about the way he describes the act of sharing a meal. He wasn’t just talking about food. He was talking about how people show up when pleasure, appetite, and a little mess are on the table.
Here’s what he said:
"You learn a lot about someone when you share a meal together. If your date makes the experience uptight and restrictive, well, the sex is going to be horrible too. I don't have much patience for people who are self-conscious about the act of eating, and it irritates me when someone denies themselves the pleasure of a bloody hunk of steak or a pungent French cheese because of some outdated nonsense about what's appropriate or attractive.
Stop worrying about how your breath's going to smell, whether there's beurre blanc on your face, or whether ordering the braised pork belly will make you look fat. Eating with abandon couldn't be more of a turn-on: it shows that you're comfortable with yourself.
A perfect date is with a person who eats without fear, prejudice, or concerns about appearance. I remember one of my first dates with my wife, Ottavia:
She ordered a six-pound lobster. I sat there, enraptured, watching her suck every bit of meat from it—she got a standing ovation from the floor staff. She's the kind of woman who orders filet mignon as an appetizer followed by a T-bone steak.
Her fearless, open-minded approach to food is completely alluring. For a dinner date, I eat light all day to save room, then I go all in: I choose this meal and this order, and I choose you, the person across from me, to share it with. There's a beautiful intimacy in a meal like that. It's about exploration and taste. And kissing after dinner. And maybe there's a little wine and curry on your breath… and that's nice."
I mean… come on 😂
What I love about this quote is how clearly it cuts through performance. There’s no space for pretending. No space for dainty bites or self-conscious nibbling. Bourdain admired people who showed up fully—mouth first, maybe—but soul close behind.
The metaphor is clear: how someone eats tells you how they live. Do they let themselves enjoy? Can they be present? Do they savor what’s in front of them—or are they stuck in their head, already halfway out the door?
Choosing a partner isn’t just about shared values or physical attraction. It’s about shared appetite—for life, for experience, for each other. And appetite requires vulnerability. You can't taste life if you're afraid to get a little messy.
So yes, order the braised pork belly. Suck the meat out of that lobster claw. Let your face shine with butter and joy. Let your pleasure be seen.
Because Bourdain was right—there’s something wildly intimate about choosing a meal together, choosing to indulge in front of someone, choosing to share the mess and flavor of it all.
And if someone can’t handle you at your curry-breathed best, they definitely don’t deserve you at your Michelin-starred glow. 😂