the point of marriage
Why Bother With Marriage?
Following up on my latest blog post about the concept of risk in love…
The School of Life, a YouTube channel I greatly admire, is deeply inspired by the psychodynamic approach. Despite its vast library of videos, only a few have truly stayed with me over the years.
One of them is their video on marriage.
Watch the 5-min video, and here follows my comments !
The Many Philosophies on Marriage
After working with hundreds of couples and individuals throughout my career, I’ve encountered countless philosophies on marriage.
I find the question “Do you believe in marriage?” strangely phrased, as if it were a matter of belief rather than a reflection of one’s past experiences and personal history.
The way people answer reveals glimpses of their past experiences, psychosexual development, cultural background, and relational models (parents and close relatives).
Sometimes, when people say, “I don’t believe in marriage,” it’s not about belief—it’s about experience. They may have never seen a healthy relationship up close. Their parents’ marriage might have been dysfunctional, their aunts and uncles' relationships just as troubled, or they themselves may have been deeply hurt by love.
Sometimes, just by listening to their words, I can tell if they’ve been hurt—and if that wound still lingers. I can often differentiate between those who carry unresolved pain and those who, despite past heartbreaks, have managed to retain hope. In this way, I get a sense of a person’s emotional resilience.
Culture plays a significant role in shaping attitudes toward marriage. Since I practice in Montréal, I work with many clients from France, and I’ve noticed stark differences in how they perceive monogamy, infidelity, and marriage compared to my Quebecer (French-Canadian) clients.
The French come from a culture that is more traditional, structured, hierarchical and judgmental than Quebec. Marriage and monogamy are deeply embedded institutions, whereas in Quebec, there is generally less societal pressure around these norms. My French clients often point out that in Quebec, there’s less judgment regarding how people dress, which schools they attended, or whether they have tattoos—things that carry more social weight in France.
Even dating norms differ. In France, if you kiss someone, they are essentially considered your boyfriend or girlfriend. In Quebec, exclusivity cannot be assumed—you’re generally free to date multiple people at once, until you have “the talk”.
Interestingly, despite France’s more traditional norms, I’ve observed (anecdotally, as I have no hard data to back this up) that infidelity is more common there. Perhaps this is a way of rebelling against the rigidity of their social expectations.
If you come from a culture where marriage is lived as a heavy contract that limits your freedom and agency, I can understand why you might not believe in it. If marriage in your culture feels like a mandatory social contract—more of a prison than a choice—I can understand why you’d be against it.
Love and Emotional Resilience
News flash: Everybody has been hurt in love.
“I’m just being realistic—plus, the data shows that 50% of marriages end in divorce.”
But here’s the thing: if past heartbreaks permanently damage your belief in love and commitment, that doesn’t make you more mature, grounded, or realistic. It makes you a cynic.
The balance I encourage my clients to strive for is keeping the magic of New Relationship Energy (as the youth on Instagram calls it) while being pragmatic, thoughtful, and intentional in love.
And when people throw around that 50% divorce statistic, I cringe. Of course, many marriages fail—nobody is taught how to love properly. Nobody learns the basics of emotional regulation. Most people don’t even know how to choose a partner based on the right criteria, what are basic foundational elements for a secure relationship or how to assess their relationship. In fact, after two years of writing my book, analyzing my career, and reflecting on my own dating experiences, I still can’t pinpoint a perfect recipe for choosing the right partner.
When people quote that statistic to me—a couples therapist—it feels like telling a lifeguard: “Wow, swimming is dangerous! Did you know that 50% of people who have never taken a swimming lesson and decide to go to Hanakapiai Beach on the Nā Pali Coast of Kauai—a remote, lifeguard-free beach notorious for deadly rip currents—end up drowning?”
With that analogy in mind, most marriages are made up of two people with different swimming abilities, no formal training, and no lifeguard in sight—just trying to stay afloat the best they can. Some will drown, some will barely make it to shore. I understand why that might make people want to avoid the water altogether.
But love—like the ocean—is a breathtaking, powerful force. And if you can move beyond past hurts, learn how to navigate it, and build the right skills, it is possible to experience its beauty without fear of drowning.
Labels count & risk has a function
The video begins with a provocative question: Why bother with marriage? Why engage in such a tedious process? Why tie yourself to someone legally and economically? Why not simply cohabitate indefinitely?
Why would someone willingly make separation more difficult and costly? Why would they voluntarily inject risk into their relationship—the risk that, if things go south, it could lead to financial loss and social embarrassment?
Some people say marriage, titles, and labels don’t change their love, and for them, they’re right. But I would argue that for most people, that’s not the case. The power of labeling has been extensively studied. For example, telling people 'to go vote' versus calling them 'voters' influences their actions. The same applies to children—asking them to 'come help clean the room' versus calling them 'helpers' makes them more likely to engage in the task because the label shapes their identity, thus resulting in behaviors that match this identity.
I would show up differently as someone's wife rather than as someone's girlfriend. As a wife, I know this man is sharing half of his assets—his life’s work—with me, just as I would with him. For people like me, who come from nothing and have been working since the age of 12, this is not just a financial risk but a symbolic one as well. As I mentioned in a previous blog post, I believe injecting risk is crucial because it shifts the way people think and influences their decision-making when they have skin in the game.
Some might argue, "But Kanica, you should show up the same as a girlfriend as you would as a wife. You should treat your condo the same whether you're a tenant or an owner. You should perform at your job the same way, whether it's a permanent position or a temporary one. It shouldn’t make a difference."
And maybe they're right—perhaps that's how the world should be. But I find it much easier to navigate life as it is, not as it should be, which means accepting that fairness, logic, or coherence isn’t always part of the equation.
Marriage as an Impulse Inhibitor
The novel idea this video introduced me to is this: marriage, by being such an arduous commitment, serves as a safeguard against our temporary, intense emotions and impulses.
Put simply, marriage is a form of impulse control.
We’ve all experienced moments of emotional intensity—moments where we were utterly convinced of something, only for that feeling to dissipate within 72 hours.
A Personal (and Slightly Silly) Example
About a decade ago, my French grandfather in Brittany paid for my younger brother and me to visit him while he was still healthy. My grandparents lived in a small, quiet village—nothing exciting compared to Montreal.
My grandfather didn’t have unlimited Wi-Fi, so my brother and I avoided watching YouTube videos to prevent exceeding his data limit. But one day, I caught my brother watching videos. How could my brother screw over our grandpa?
I was disgusted and livid. So livid that, in my heart, I vowed he was no longer my brother. What he did felt like a violation of my core values.
Obviously, that feeling passed. But in that moment, my emotions were so strong that I genuinely believed I wanted to cut ties with him.
You’ve probably felt something similar at some point in your life—with a friend, a partner, or a loved one.
Marriage as a Commitment to Working Through Problems
Marriage, being a giant impulse inhibitor, forces people to work through their problems instead of making impulsive, emotionally-driven decisions. It discourages rash choices and encourages long-term thinking.
Forget about religious history, social traditions, or the desire to conform.
I appreciate marriage because it acknowledges a fundamental truth: we, as individuals, are not always strong. We are susceptible to temporary emotions. And sometimes, we need external forces and structures to keep us in check.
I now see marriage as a way of saying: I love you so much that I’m aware we will inevitably face storms that could make one of us want to sink the ship. But we believe in this project so much that we’re willing to involve the government, accountants, and lawyers to ensure we don’t let the lower versions of ourselves make life-altering decisions.
I enjoyed exploring this idea, and I’m not here to convince you to "believe" in marriage or not. Rather, I find it compelling that before making a life-altering decision—like ending a relationship we once felt deeply committed to—having a built-in buffer can help protect us from impulsive, emotionally-driven choices.
-kanica
P.S. The views expressed in this post reflect my understanding at this point in time. As I continue to grow—through ongoing research, experience in my practice, and personal development—I remain open to revising my perspectives in light of new evidence or deeper insights.
