Find your leila
A client came to see me because he didn’t have sexual desire for his girlfriend.
Let’s call him David. He’s young, energetic, and ambitious — the classic entrepreneur. He launched his own business in the food industry and works around the clock. He thrives on this pace.
His girlfriend? Sweet, kind, loved by everyone around him. No red flags. And yet... no libido.
David couldn’t understand why his penis wouldn’t respond. He tried forcing it — emotionally and literally — attempting to will his body into desire. But there’s a limit to how much a man can convince his brain to send blood south.
THE BODY NEVER LIES
He did what many people do in his situation: adapted. David explored other forms of intimacy — oral sex, mutual masturbation, and more. He’s not overly fixated on penetration, which helped. But guilt lingered. She desired him more than he desired her, and he knew it.
So we dove deeper.
I asked about their beginnings, how the relationship formed. David isn’t stoic — his face is expressive. When he spoke about her, I saw a man dutifully showing up for someone... His face didn’t match the message he was trying to say.
His words said “I love her, she’s a great girl” but his face said “I’m not in love with her, but I like her because she’s a great girl…on paper”.
THE “GOOD PERSON” TRAP
I’ve seen it so often in my practice (and yes, in my personal life too — see Chapter 5 of my upcoming book 😄): people stay in relationships with someone who is a “good person,” but not the right person for them.
Most people are good. Good people are not rare. What is rare is alignment — soul-deep compatibility.
David already knew the truth. I didn’t tell him what to do — that’s not my role. I’m not a guru handing down answers. I practice maïeutique, the ancient art of Socratic verbal midwifery. I help clients give birth to what’s already within them — truths they’ve buried, ignored, or been too afraid to say out loud.
“The body speaks. The mind rationalizes. My job is to listen to the body’s truth.”
David had known for over a year. His body had been whispering (then shouting) that something was off. But he ignored it. Worse, he gaslit himself.
GOLD VS. DIAMOND
The more he told me about his relationship, the more I could tell what was probably going on.
He confused companionship with partnership.
He described his girlfriend as a package of pure gold delivered to his doorstep. But what he truly longed for was diamond.
They had fun. They didn’t fight. They shared plans. But even a dog can be a loyal companion.
True partnership is built on shared meaning — a deeper ethos that ties two people together.
I showed him my couples' framework — a graph I use in sessions. He realized he was missing that upper tier.
Shared goals ≠ Shared meaning.
Even couples who share houses, kids, and businesses may lack the deeper thread that weaves their lives into something profound.
David understood that he was coasting. Living day to day. Not inspired by a shared vision.
FIND YOUR LEILA
Since he’s in his 20s, I figured he would get the reference, so I asked:
“Do you know Alex Hormozi?”
“Of course!!”
“Then you need to find your Leila. They’re each other’s twins…That’s why a synonym of soulmate is twin flame.”
For those who don’t know, Alex Hormozi is an entrepreneur married to another powerhouse entrepreneur. They’re soul-aligned — twin flames. A modern power couple.
David’s entrepreneurial life means late nights, fast pings, and strategic ambition. He liked answering emails during the evening while watching hockey. So being with an elementary teacher who tells him that being home by 6pm is unacceptable and that she wants him to completely shut off work after 5pm will eventually breed resentment — not because she’s wrong, but because they’re mismatched.
THE BRAIN: OUR BIGGEST SEX ORGAN
Your brain is your biggest sex organ. If your brain isn’t lighting up with desire, there’s a reason. Evolutionary biology tells us: your body doesn’t want to replicate its DNA with this person.
The signs were there. He just didn’t listen.
Authentic relationships start when we stop lying to ourselves. David had every signal — from emotional disconnection to erectile dysfunction — screaming the same message: this isn’t it.
THE TAKEAWAY
Eventually, living in a relationship that’s inauthentic to your soul will catch up with you. Better to be courageous now than to wait ten years, mortgage and kids in tow, wondering why you feel empty or why your dick won’t get up.
“Your partner is either your expander or your extinguisher.”
Choose expansion.
True love exists. Don’t settle. Don’t let guilt or scarcity mindset stop you from pursuing the fire your body — and your soul — crave.
Your body knows. Listen.
Caveat: A decrease in sexual desire is not necessarily a sign that a relationship is doomed or that love is absent. There are actually many variables that influence libido, and it’s true that low sexual desire is a sign of something but we don’t know what precisely without investigation (more on that in another blog post). But in David's case, that something was that he wasn’t in love.