Your date is not “too busy"'

“I’m just really busy right now.”
We’ve all heard it. Maybe we’ve even said it. I know I did.
But let’s be honest — “busy” is the new “I’m just not that into you.”

In a world where everyone is working overtime to build their dream life, “being busy” has become the most socially acceptable cop-out in modern dating. It sounds polite. It sounds noble. But at the end of the day, it’s just a dressed-up way to say: you’re not a priority right now.

Real-life case examples 

Last week, a client, let’s call her Alessandra, told me about a new guy she started seeing since our last session a few months ago.

At first, things seemed promising. He seemed interested, attentive, responsive — until suddenly, the texts slowed down to a trickle.

“He’s really into kickboxing,” she said. “He’s got a competition coming up. That’s probably why he stopped texting like before.”

Maybe. But what bothered me wasn’t that he got busy — it’s that he didn’t say anything. He just disappeared without warning, leaving her to fill in the blanks.

And honestly? That’s a red flag. Not only did that show little consideration, but also, no matter how busy someone is, effort shouldn’t vanish.

Even if he had given her a heads-up, the way he handled it would still have been weak. 

That same week, another client of mine had just met someone — right as he was entering the busiest month of his entire year. And yet, he managed to be intentional: he communicated clearly with his date, stayed present, and made space for connection (even in small, thoughtful ways) while juggling his demanding schedule and lack of sleep. I had several counter-examples of ‘busy men being present’ while Alessandra didn’t. 

Let’s be clear: everyone is busy. Barack Obama is busy. CEOs, entrepreneurs, people juggling three kids and a business — they're busy. And yet, in my practice, I see high-level professionals managing multi-million-dollar projects who still make time to send a text, show care, and keep communication alive when they’re interested…Many of them even manage to show up at my office, week after week, during regular business hours — because investing in their relationship matters to them.

Do you really think accountants vanish from their relationships every tax season? Or that medical residents stop texting their partners when they switch rotations? What about amateur athletes training for marathons — do they all ghost their dates during competition prep? Of course not. Being busy is real — but disappearing is a choice.

Here’s the deal: If you’re after a partner who genuinely cares, if caring is an important aspect of your ideal relationship, you need to know how to filter for that right from the start.

Stress Tests: What Early Dating Reveals

I was actually happy for Alessandra — because relationships are tested in exactly these kinds of high-pressure moments. It’s easy to seem like a great partner when everything’s smooth at the beginning of a relationship, but the real measure of someone’s “partner-bility” is how they show up in turbulence — just like we don’t judge a copilot when the sky is clear, but when the plane hits rough air.

Dating is full of small and increasing “stress tests” as time goes on. In the early stages, the tests are subtle. But as the relationship evolves, you plan a trip together, start meeting each other’s friends & family, move in together, and gradually integrate your lives. Each of these moments acts as a checkpoint, revealing whether you both have the emotional maturity and commitment it takes to build something solid.

One thing her date said kept echoing in her mind:
“I’m an independent guy. My past dates were clingy and anxious, so if you want to be with me, you need to understand — I have a full life, packed with projects and ambition.”

He framed emotional connection as a weakness — as if wanting closeness and reassurance meant being insecure or needy.

Alessandra was no stranger to a packed schedule — she’s ambitious, driven, and in the thick of her busiest month of the year, working in university administration during end-of-semester chaos, while pursuing a part-time MBA. And yet, even in the middle of all that, she would’ve been more thoughtful and considerate than he was.

So now, Alessandra had two solid data points about her date: he wasn’t particularly sensitive or caring — and that alone made him someone unworthy of building a life with.

Whether she chose to pay attention to those signs was up to her — and would ultimately depend on her inner stability, her faith in the future of her love life, and whether she was operating from a place of scarcity or abundance.

Two Concepts, Too Often Confused: Busyness vs. Care

Neglecting someone and then blaming it on a “busy life” is emotional laziness dressed up as ambition. Busyness isn’t the issue — lack of care is. Real connection doesn’t require hours; it requires intention.

I’ve lost count of the number of clients who tell me, “If only my boyfriend suggested getting ice cream by the water, I’d be so happy.” So many women complain about the lack of quality time, intentionality, and effort from their partners — and the examples they give don’t require much creativity, time, or money.

Some people will neglect you and then hide behind the excuse: “I have a busy life” — subtly implying that you're a loser who doesn't, or that you’re too needy and dependent. But being busy and being caring are two completely different things. You can absolutely be busy AND caring. 

In fact, at least 80% of my male clients are living proof — juggling demanding careers, full schedules, and personal goals, yet still showing up with intention, presence, and heart in their relationships.

5 Non-Negotiables

Gentle reminder: the five foundational pillars of a secure relationship — and we're not even talking about deep compatibility yet, just the basics according to Dr. Amir Levine — are consistency, availability, reliability, responsiveness, and predictability.

These aren’t luxuries. They’re the minimum.

Read more about them here.

In summary, if this text struck a chord, it’s worth asking yourself: why do you accept “busy” as an excuse when, deep down, you’re craving something more intentional and connected? And even if you know you deserve someone emotionally present, what’s stopping you from quickly filtering out those who clearly aren’t capable of offering that?

Just a little food for thought.
Wishing you a beautiful week ahead.
– Kanica